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I feel gross

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I lost the connection to from my brain to my heart. I cry but don't know if I really should. It was my fault, what happened. I made a bad choice to stay there that night. I barely knew the guy, but he was christian. I thought nothing would go wrong. It did and I payed for it. I dream bad things since then. I can't stand how I feel. I feel gross and dissapointed in myself. I don't like this feeling. I hate him, I hate me. I want to be in somebody else's skin right now. Not mine. I am sitting by myself listening to music, it's about all I can do. I can't feel sorry for myself because it happened just like he said. What's done is done. But I don't want it to be done, I want it taken back. I don't want it to even have happened. Ugh. I hate this. Fuck this, my brain is collapsing. I don't know if I want to go home though. I hate that my best friend doesn't seem concerned for me, other then the situation. He doesn't seem to even care to see me after I told him. He know's how I feel. I don't know if he is judging me, maybe he is. Maybe he says he isn't, but maybe on the inside he is. Sometimes I don't know why I tell him anything. But I feel the need to because he is my best friend. I need him more then he thinks I do. I wish he would talk to me more. I hate this.

I want to just lay somewhere and not move. I don't want to be around anyone. I don't want ot talk to anyone because I don't know what to say. I don't know how to explain how I feel, but I'm typing it here I guess. But I still can't explain everything I feel. Other than disgusting and gross. I feel like sitting in a bathtub for long periods of time and just drowning in it. It would feel better then how I feel right now. I feel alone with all of this, but I know I'm not. Stil, what am I supposed to do about this? I don't want to say what this is, because I just don't. But I'm sure someone can get a gist of it. Music isn't helping. I need a friend, but no one is where I am. I feel sick to my stomach and I'm feeling lost.

I just want it all to be taken back to where I didn't go. I wish I didn't meet him. =\

I'm going to be miserable for a while, I can tell...

Midnight Blogging

 I can't sleep. I haven't been able to sleep aka sleep well in the past week. I can't even get tired it feels like. I know my body is tired, my mind is tire, my eyes are tired. I just can't get past the part where darkness is supposed to take over and dreams are supposed to enter. Of course, if I could have a peaceful night without nightmares for once, I would adore sleep.

My mind always leads back to the breakup. My mind was in a horrible place then and I can't even remember half the shit I did afterwards. That entire month of agony just feels so blank right now. I was lying in bed just a few moments ago and all of a sudden memories just clicked into my head of what all happened. I don't remember going to that chorus concert, or hanging out with my old friends. I didn't at least until now. I just couldn't fathom anything other then the pain I felt for a month. Possibly more then a month. I still feel it. I still get dreams about all that happened. Yet, I don't regret anything between us. In fact, if I could I would do it all over again only different in the past year. I should have gotten myself help instead of letting it fall to shit. I didn't think it would, I always thought that loving each other was enough to get us through anything. I guess I was wrong on that part. Miracles don't always happen I guess. But I screwed myself over on that. I just can't stop thinking about what if things had been different. We would still be together today. I would LOVE more then ANYTHING to be together right now.
The thought of him being with another girl possibly in the next few months, or being ready for a relationship but not with me kills me. It will always kill me and I don't know how I will react to it when it happens. I just don't...And I am certainly not looking forward to it might I add.

Other then that tid bit of info. My brother is getting married. I have to say I am very happy he has finally reached his goal in life. To get married before the age of 30. =D
Of course, it is also a bummer. I feel as though I have lost my best friend Jessica in the process due to being in love. I never get to talk or hear from either of them and he's my brother for flukes sake. Yes, Fluke. Fluke is a movie you know...Just saying.
I do hope they have a long and happy marriage. Maybe I will be an Aunt one day, holding a baby in my arms. Cute little toes and fingers. (No bad Tina)

It's going to be exciting I guess you could say. At least I get to bake a desert and be a brides maid. That's a plus!

School is kicking me in the butt. I kind of want to take a break from college for a few months, but my grandmother will kill me. Although I am almost 21 and I can do whatever the hell I want with my life. I guess I need a job to, but I've applied for places and a part of me hoped I wouldn't get those jobs. I just feel the need to get in tune with myself right now. I've lost myself along the way. That happens when you let yourself build your life around a boy you love. It so easily happens. I didn't mind. -shrugs- But I've never done it before and I let myself do it. Shame on me I guess. He warned me and I didn't listen. Guess both parties just don't feel the same way sometimes about wanting to always be around one another. Screw Love. It's confusing and annoying. And it's to much for the health. >.<

I'm ready to start a new life. But I feel so tired right now. My emotions are stable, but my brain is tired. I think to much and my mind is overloaded with things it shouldn't be overloaded with. When will it end!

Goodnight I guess.

Movies, Books, and Rambles

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
I am in the process of watching Band Slam. It is actually a pretty legit movie. Can I be in your movie, please? I would LOVE for life to work like a movie. Only, I don't want to know the ending. Whether it is happy or sad. Life is to bland and boring to work like a movie. It has no art, no rolls to play, no poetic lines said to the female. If there WERE a movie I would adore to be in, it would be Pride and Prejudice. Elizabeth Bennett would be a glorious part to play!

Then again, in a movie we wouldn't be just the us that we are. We would BE acting out rolls. Therefore it wouldn't be real. So which is better, real or fake. Real or a fantasy. Real or something marvelous and made up to where life starts out so mellow, turns into a mixture of ups and downs, climaxes and downfalls. Scandals and excitement! WHERE IS THAT IN LIFE. There is no ADVENTURE where you can just run away and get away with it. Books are good to. The words are always played out so beautifully that you want nothing more then to just BE a part of it. Why can't it just BE.

Yet again life gives me something to ramble about. Life brings me to the most boring places at times, except when I am with my best friend in the WHOLE WORLD. But everyone knows that story to heart by now. That story is just going to have it's failed ending. What a waste. But you can't make a person do something they don't want to. Am I right? I know. I am.
Anyways. What was I rambling about...

Movies and Books. That's right. I guess there really isn't anything else I can say other then I will just have to keep believing some things will play out like a movie or book. With it's happy endings. I wish i could have a happy ending. Can someone bless me with one, please?! I'm getting impatient!
 
 
 
 
 
 
http://paradigmshiftguild.org/

The Guild Website is now Up and Running. Yay! 

If anyone seems interested in joining, please look in the recruitment section to fill out an application! 

I'm so excited!

Life and Sunshine

Sitting here, I really don't know what to say. I feel almost defeated, yet I feel like I have defeated something as well. I have defeated the fact that I will no longer feel as depressed or as sad as I use to, thanks to getting myself help. Being on Celexa has really given me a break through in depression. I can almost see everything clearly and fully now. I love it. I love feeling the warmth of the sun on my skin. It feels like warm rays of kisses! YES!

Unfortunately my heart is still defeating my brain. As Erica said, I  do more with my heart then I do with my logic. I don't know if that is a bad thing or not. =\

I still want him. Why do I still want him, want to be with him. I still crave everything about him. I want more then what we are now, even though what we are now is incredible and awesome-sauce. I just want to be able to hold hands and kiss him when I get the urge. I still get to the moments where I feel like we are together, but then I come to the realization that we aren't. I sometimes lean in like I am about to kiss or hug him, but I control myself right when that realization hits. Sometimes I just want to say "Fuck you realization. Fuck you." and just do it anyway. But I am so scared of him rejecting me again. I don't want him to reject me. I love him. And I don't want to make anything feel weird. WHY CAN'T YOU WANT TO STILL BE WITH ME. I'M BACK TO NORMAL DAMNIT.

These past few weeks/month have been amazing with us hanging out all the time, but my heart still defeats me, and my logic loses. yet again. Why heart, WHY.

I'm losing my mind! At least the sky feels blue and the air is warm again. No more anxiety and no more sadness. Except for that one thing. Sometimes I wonder if I should just give up hope, but if I do it may never happen. So I will keep hoping and wishing. Please bring me something good world. Give me what my heart wants please!!!

Thanks.

Crazy Year

Hi there. So I have not written a post in what seems like eternity. With a capital E. I feel as though I should and will. 

This past new year has been hectic and at many times horrible on my head/heart. Considering your head usually tells your heart to feel something, it's not necessarily your heart hurting. Though at times it does seem like the heart has a mind of it's own. Well, if it did mine still hurts every once in a while. The break up was extremely hard on me and it hurt worse then anything I have ever felt before in my life to be honest. To the point I didn't think I wanted to be alive. It's stupid, but true. Needless to say, I've never allowed myself to feel for someone like I did/do him and I don't know if that was a mistake on my behalf or if I should be happy about it. It hurts, it really hurts. I hate myself for not fixing myself in time, even though regardless of fixing myself this probably would have happened anyway. Him wanting to move to Atlanta and all, he doesn't want a long distance relationship. I would have done anything to make it work if only I had stopped being so stubborn and stupid. I ruined a relationship with the one guy I felt like I truly wanted to be with for the longest time. Not married, but maybe one day. He is like sunshine every time I talk to him, he makes my day better. If I did pray, I think I would pray for him more then I would myself! Is it a sick obsession or am I just majorly head over heals still?

Even though we aren't together and he doesn't want to be with me, I want what is best for him. I want him to do what makes him happy. If he still "wants" to be with me, I would be the one to say "hell yes". What I really want to say to him is

"I feel happy. I don't feel angry at you anymore, I trust you. Even if I don't feel like you are telling me the truth sometimes I know it's because you don't want to hurt me. But I have taken a step to make myself better and I feel better. I feel like myself. At times I thought maybe I'd get over you and not be in love with you anymore if I just took medication and cured my hate of you breaking up with me. But the truth is, I am still madly in love with you. I would do anything for you. You are my best friend and I am so, so very sorry for all the arguments I caused between us. I still have a strong connection with you and my heart isn't going to get over you any time soon. Probably not for years. It's the sad truth when you become the best friend who's in love with her best friend. Now doesn't that sound like a movie? lol. But the thing is, I am so willing to give us another try, even if it doesn't work out in the end. We were good together despite the arguments. I trust you enough to live in ATL even if I can't be there with you all the time. But you said yourself we will do our best to see each other. I'm happy knowing I am still in love with you and just knowing that. And I'm happy with whatever choice you make. But just know that I will no longer depend on you to make me happy, but I am in love with you. I know you still feel the same way even if just a little bit. What's so wrong with just jumping in and trying? I don't care if it's long distance, I want to be with you. I'll be waiting if you are ever willing to try again. You are my best friend and the one guy I gave my whole heart to. I carry you with me everywhere I go. I love you"

 
Then I just want to kiss him and show him what I mean. But I can't! I know it won't make a difference on how I feel. but the thing is, I am happy right now. Happy that I took a step in helping myself. Happy I don't feel angry or emotional. Happy knowing I am in love with someone even if he doesn't want to be with me right now. Happy my best friend is doing what he has longed to do. 

My only issue is, why does life have to be complicated. Why can't we just do things regardless of the penalty. Why can't we do things without being afraid to do them. Why?

Friend or Relationship?

I make many mistakes. I hate that I make so many and I hate admitting I'm wrong when I know that I really am. I guess that's what makes me stubborn =p. Sad thing, I don't always like to be stubborn, but it is just something that I don't feel can be helped unless I try my hardest. My being stubborn and Cory's being stubborn always clashes and we argue constantly. I am so tired of arguing. I mean, I love to argue don't get me wrong, but the arguments we have sometimes just are not the kind that should be had. It hurts me all the time and I always end up crying over something he says or does. Even when the argument is all my fault. Things would go so much better if he just did not always have to raise his voice to me or interrupt me during my opinion. Sometimes he puts me down and it hurts in the worst way possible, I wish that it were something he could realize.
We almost broke up a few days ago, maybe last week? I'm not to sure. The thing is, is that I kept going back and forth not knowing what to do. Because truthfully I want to stay with him more then anything in the world, because I do love him more then most things in my life. I can't think of anything else more important that could go in front of him. I think he is my number one important thing right now. I like that, I love it really. But, I can't say the same for him towards me, because I know that I'm not. Simply for the fact that I will never be someone's NUMBER ONE. It would feel nice for once sure, but I guess I am happy to at least be one of his numbers to love =). As for the almost break up, I still feel that maybe it would have been best for us to just go our different ways and maybe just stay best friends. But even though I think that, I COULD NOT DO IT. I did not want to. I just could not take how he always just let's me walk out and me not knowing whether he even cares if I go or stay. I hate that he uses the term "stroking my ego" because that's not what I am asking for. I am asking for reassurance. Sure, trust is a good thing, but sometimes words are nice to hear, or actions even. It would be nice for once if someone could just run after me, in want for me to stay. It would be nice for once. It's not easy for someone like me to trust anyone and it's not my fault. Things happen in the past that a lot of people don't know about nor do they understand why it is so difficult. It's not that I don't trust that he loves me or trust that he won't leave or cheat one me, it's that it's HARD for me to make myself. I do trust him, but I still get a little iffy on situations. Is it wrong of me? I personally don't think so.
Sometimes, I feel as though he treats me as just a friend rather then his girlfriend. The thing is, is that I'm not JUST A FRIEND. I can't just be treated as all his other friends, because that would not make me the girl he is in a relationship with now would it? Most of the time he is fine, but there are times when he feels I should be treated equal as his others. Like he would rather his other friends not be mad at him and me be mad at him, because he cares more about how they feel towards him then I do. I wish he could see that. I wish he could see a lot of things without having to always argue about how I am wrong all the time about what I feel and that I just always want what I want. It's not about what I want, it's about how I wish to be treated. Like a girl that he is in a relationship with. Not just a friend. Or just a friend that he can have sex with and cuddle up to when HE feels like it. I deserve a bit more attention online, in person, or over the phone then any other one of his girl friends. Even if it's just 10 minutes more. It's as if he would rather talk to them instead of me =\
I don't feel like I am interesting enough or maybe I'm just weird. He can't even tell me why he loves me or what he is attracted to about me. It hurts to not know. I don't want it to be just because I'm cute and weird...There is more to me then just that. He just does not seem to want to know about the other part of me. And when it starts to show in public sometimes, he says I'm being weird and shrugs away from me like he does not want to be near me. =\
What is it I am doing wrong? I know I do things wrong, but I just don't know what.

Why can't I feel like i am being treated as more then just a friend to him sometimes?! My feelings matter! Making me feel better is not STROKING MY EGO! It is doing the job you should be wanting to do. Making sure that I am okay and make me feel better. He would do it to any other one of his friends, but he fails to do so with me because it's STROKING MY EGO...That is the dumbest line he has ever said to me. I hate that he feels that way. I do depend on him. As a best friend and a person I am in a relationship with to WANT to make sure I am okay no matter what. It's only right.

Once.

I use to be someones number one. Best friends, that is what we were. As we all know, people grow apart, out of tune, and find new friends, new bests. I didn't want that to happen, but it did. -shrugs- I hate that it happened. I miss the old days. 
I had four best friends in my life-time. As in, number one's for as long as I was best friends with them.
1. Tara Coin 2. Jessica Dellinger 3. Brittany Safranek 4. Nicole Brammer.

Those were my four best friends in my entire life. We were number one's for sure. As I said, I moved away, friends moved away, I became friends with people, moved on, and became new  best friends with another. The world is one big piece of shit that just won't stay still. 
I am no longer best friends with anyone, except Cory and I don't even know about Erica anymore. To be honest, I'm still not sure about Cory. I want to be, but obviously according to him, I'm a gf/lover, I can't be a best friend in the entire world. No matter how much I have been there, how much I see him, how much he loves me, I guess I still can't be counted as one of his top bests...Erica won that spot of course. I can't even be equal. 
I'm sure he thinks that because I am the "gf" that makes me number 1, before the best friend. To be honest? That is so much further from the truth. You can't automatically make a gf number 1. What if you just started dating her? She can't be number 1. I don't want to be counted number 1 as a gf anyway. I prefer being number 1 as in best friend wise. It means a lot more to me then just a label of being a gf. Really. A best friend is someone who is there for you, always, someone you want to hang out with all the time, most atleast. Someone you can trust more then anyone else, even if only 99%. It's a lot more then most. Someone you can depend on, someone who would die for you in an instant...
If I can't be a best friend because I am a gf? That is the most pathetic thing ever. That's not the case probably...but consider this, I bet you if I wasn't Cory's gf, I would still be counted as 2nd or 3rd best friend in his life...Not equal, but as usual 2nd. 
It hurt to hear him say things like that about being a gf/lover and not one of his best friends...He could have answered "Your one of my best friends in the entire world next to Erica" instead of just "I would say Erica" HOW MUCH DOES THAT HURT?!
A lot. It made my entire heart feel like it just fell straight out of my body...I cried even when I got off the phone, I tried not to cry over the phone...Doubt he would see the wrong in what he said or how it made me feel that was wrong. -shrugs-
I guess it was a bad question to ask. Maybe I am not deserving to even be 1st in somones life as a best friend anymore. I lost my chance I guess...I hate it. I wish someone could make me feel better rather then hopeless and let down. Even left out. I just want to start over now...Thought I was somones best friend more then anyone, or equal...guessed wrong. Again. 
-sigh-

Pinpoint:Introduction

           You can’t pinpoint an exact time or place when it will happen. It just does. The more you fight it, the worse it seems to become. All because you strain and strain so hard to just reject those negative emotions that you cry and cry out. The sun that you usually awake to suddenly quickens into this clashing of storms and hurricanes, all inside your head. When it is finally over, you take that deep breath of solitude and your sun falls back into place. As though nothing…ever…happened.

 

            Most people give blame to their significant others, friends, and families for the reason why they are the person they are today. In reality, your actions and decisions pinpoints who you are. It was your choice to follow how that person acted, your choice to become that someone you are not by making the decision yourself to just do what it takes to make that person happy; even if you begin to feel alone, frustrated, or even unhappy yourself. You become so addicted to what these people want from you, or you do what ever you can possible to make them happier then anyone else in the world. What if…What if it is never good enough? What if all that you do never strikes a nerve in that loved one’s body and you are left regretting who you are, because of “your” decision. It was your choice to change yourself. Not theirs.

Open.

I'm not really good at describing how it is I feel in a non-situation type of deal. All I can say is that it bothers me and there really isn't anything I or anyone else in that matter can do about it. I could try to fix the problem myself, only it's not myself I am looking forward to to helping me fix the issue...I need friends and even family if they would take the time. Only family, my family, do not like to take the time to be friends in a "I need help" situation. That's what I need from them. A friendship that I can trust in. Not likely though. It's fine.

I can't say I really do have anyone to be able to talk to and have them just listen and not give me opinions on anything, or tell me what it is I did wrong in a situation or that I was wrong, and instead have them just give me a situation in which they had to deal with the same thing. Have them to say "I understand". No. No one can do that for me, so I don't think I am capable of speaking to anyone anymore. Understanding is all I need at the moment. Someone who can just understand my situation and say I am wrong or that I did do something wrong, as I had stated in the above. lol.

I want to be open with someone...That is trust-worthy of my feelings and thoughts. -shrugs- Sometimes that is just impossible to even find...

When it comes to a relationship with me, I like for my significant other to be open about anything and everything. Especially when we are together for a good bit and are already saying I love you to each other lol. I don't feel like we have good communication...Not always, but most of the time I do feel this way. I can tell him about things that go on within my day, and hopefully have him talk to me about it, or even ask me about the little things that went on. After-all. Those are the most important to me, it just makes life all the more interesting about that person. Not just a simple, I went to work and school then came home. No, that is not a good way of communicating about someone you loves day. I want to know "EVERYTHING". Well, not everything lol, but the things that count...Like for instance this would be a conversation I could enjoy:
"So sweetie how was your day?"
"It was good."
"Really? What all did you do today?"
"Well, I talked to you this morning after waking up, then I went to work and did all the things I am supposed to do there of course. OH! And blah blah blah this happend with this person, or blah blah blah this person said this to me and I did so and so."
"Really?! Wow that's crazy lol, what did you do after work?"
"Oh yeah, well then I packed up for class and of course saw my friend ---- and we talked for a little bit about this and that. Then I had class, studied about blah blah blah, then called you of course then went to my friends house to fix something and had a corona, hopefully that is okay with you that I had one of course. Then I came home and did this and that, that and this, and here I am talking to you."
"Wow you had an exciting day! I love knowing details about what went on with your day now instead of just the obvious. It makes me feel closer to you, like the communication is so much better now. I like it."
"That's good to hear. I will do it from now on"


lmao. And that my friends is how I would love for a conversation to happen. That is what communcation is all about...I hate sitting there and wondering what is going on with a person and they won't even tell you the littlest details...seriously. ANNOYING!

One other thing I can't stand is that, when I take the effort to call and tell my significant other what I plan to be doing and I ask him if it is okay with them, I expect him to be able to call and ask me if I am okay with him doing something or telling me whatever it is he is planning to do. I don't like to worry and not hear from that person for a few hours and then have them call me up and then tell me what happend. No sir. I want to know what that person will be doing so I can tell him how I feel about it...
I can't just keep taking my time to call him and tell him what I plan to be doing so he knows and asking him if it's okay. I do it because I feel like it's the right thing to do and he won't get as mad at me. I love him that much to respect how he might feel. And if he isn't comfortable with me doing it, then I won't do it. Simple as that...But I can't do it anymore considering he can't even tell me what go's on in his life day to day...even if he had just a corona with a friend. It doesn't matter...It would be decent for him to call or IM me and tell me what he is doing or plans to do and asks me if I am okay with that...It's just fair if he does...

Well, not much I can really do about a situation. It's fine though, not really. All I can say for now.